My valance is out of balance

Posted on August 23, 2008. Filed under: HowTo, Musings, Philosophy |

I’m suffering from droopy drapes. I don’t like to make things with my hands. I’m not that sort of person. But, for some reason, I like to watch the home improvement programs on television. I’m fascinated as rooms are transformed from scary to nice. I’ve watched so many of these shows, I thought I’d tackle a project after all. My home came with vertical blinds at the one large sliding glass window that leads into the back yard. The blinds are just “OK”, off-white textured fabric over vinyl, but the top of the door/window is rather unattractive, and the hardware is unsightly.

Lest you think I’ve suddenly gone completely out of character and turned into a decorating blogger, let me assure you I have a reason for posting this, other than talking about what I “really” do in my spare time. I know this is a stretch, but: A “Valance” is a metaphor for life! There, you have it. (You may, of course, substitute any other term for “Valance”:Β  “Desk Chair”; “Linoleum”; “Cocker Spaniel”; “My Best Friend”.—it’s all the same.)

These aforementioned sliding glass doors were custom made for this home by the prior owner, therefore are not a standard size, so any window treatments I get for them must be custom made, at the cost of many dollars. So, I’ve put up with the boring (albeit custom) vertical blinds and their header for eight years now. Really, the attraction of that side of the house is the stunning mountain views outside it, so I wasn’t too bothered. Lately, though, (darn those home improvement programs!) I’ve noticed much more updated “wall windows” springing upon the scene, such as “French Doors” and “Energy Efficient Panels”.

My “sliders” apparently are hopelessly out of fashion, besides looking uggo. So, here is what I did: I always liked the look of natural grass or rattan shades, so I thought I could perhaps duplicate that look in a valance. Should I go to a fabric store? Probably not. A crafts store? Maybe. An import store…? Oh, look, I’ve found something. I’ll only admit to YOU (not to people who might actually see them) that I purchased two woven grass table runners. I really liked the look of them at the time, the width was perfect to cover up the yukky window tops, and I figured no one would know they were table runners once they were up.

You may start to see where this is going. πŸ˜• OK, so how to get them up there? Easy! Velcro ’em right onto the existing skinny little vinyl/fabric valance! After all, the runners were very light. Completed it—they looked great! Went to bed feeling good about a job well done, and saved XXX dollars! Got up the next morning—table runners on the floor, along with both halves of the Velcro.

You see why I don’t do these sorts of things? I’d seen similar projects on the TV, but none quite like mine. Also, there was another issue I’d pretended not to see the day before as I’d put them up and wanted it to be over. They’d looked great, I’d got them up straight, but…you could see light coming in the bottom half, which looked funny as the top half was against the existing valance.

Solution to light problem: a liner! I chose black contact paper. Makes sense? No? (Again, you can see where this is going.) Solution to the unstuck Velcro problem: staples!

Well I won’t annoy you with more details; suffice to say I did get the thing hung up again, and it stayed put, and there was no more light filtering through. Yay! …This was in the winter. It was chilly then.

It’s summer now, and the very hot sun shines directly on that window from sunrise through approximately 11 a.m. The black contact paper didn’t seem to like the intense sun very much. It started separating itself from the grass table runners. I think it wanted to get out of the sun and hide in the garage. So, now, the valance has droopy bits. If they were evenly spaced, I’d swear to all who might question it that I was in fact going for the “scalloped effect”. There’s no way that will fly, however. It’s disheartening to see, and no, I’m not going to put up a photo; trust me; you don’t want to see this.

Now, I’m debating whether to try a “last resort” attempt to mount the pesky little runners to a thin board or something, in effect making a cornice board. I’d have to have the wood cut at my local home store as I don’t (oddly enough) own a table saw. Or, and I’m increasingly leaning in this direction, I’m tempted to scratch the whole project, admit defeat, and buy some premanufactured fabric valances, and install the necessary hardware. I do have a cordless electric screwdriver, yahoo!

It’s just, there are so many styles out there, and I like a nice tailored look, and I’m not sure what to do. I’m feeling a bit like that in life at the moment, too. Part of my life is a little droopy, and starting to wilt, while other aspects look forward to something new and different. (These relate to jobs, groups I belong to, etc., but nothing dramatic, just a couple new crossroads.)

It may be a little weird to relate my life to window coverings, but philosophers tell us the inner reflects the outer and the other way around. It does seem that perhaps…if I get my Valance in Balance, my Stress will be Less! πŸ™‚

images from JCPenney

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19 Responses to “My valance is out of balance”

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Flirtin’ with curtains
Is for the brave few
Whose talent is certain
To compliment the view.
With your valance in balance
‘Tis true, you can rest
In knowing you tried
And gave it your best.
But, when all else fails
And your window stands bare,
Just go to the store
And buy coverings there!

(Muse, I loved this post!)

Oh, Muse, your post is awesome, and since it’s late, I’d rather not dissect the entire metaphorical relationship between life and your curtain problem.

This post is great! Hunnny what would i do without you muse?

Hmm… I’m not sure I follow how the valance is a metaphor for life. Knowing my lack of decorating abilities, that would leave me very pessimistic!

I’m just sitting here laughing out loud. Sorry to laugh so hard but this was way too funny. I solved the curtain problem years ago. I don’t have any, at all, anywhere. I know my daughter wants to change that now that she lives here. But she’s not touching my room. They have hung a towel over the bathroom window with tacks. I can never find a towel in there so I just use the hanging towel to wipe my hands. I don’t tell them though. I think they would be horrified. It’s either that or my pants.

I was snickering…couldn’t help it. 😦
Just thinking how many brilliant ideas I had come up with around my house that never quite turned out the way I had envisioned them. But, you certainly learn what not to do next time! LOL!

Sorry for getting a laugh out of your misfortune, Muse. I can picture it in my mind though…

I do hope you get your valance in balance. I won’t be my nosy self and ask what’s up. If you wanted to share, you would have. But oh, it’s killing me…

I hope everything is ok with you. It sucks being out of balance. ((((hugs))))

you ok????????

teeveebee, thank you. I had fun with this. πŸ™‚ tee!!! You made me a poem!! I’m so impressed; you told the entire story of my extremely traumatic window covering mishap ( πŸ˜‰ ) in an epic poem! Now, all we have to do is find a country music tune and we’ll have a hit! Or even better, “The Ballad of the Un-balanced Valance”. You da woman!

Thanks much, leapsecond. I’m relieved it’s late, actually, as the idea of dissecting the entire metaphorical relationship frightens me a little… πŸ˜›

kaylee: re: first comment: Thank you, I really had to laugh at myself about this. Well, I hope you don’t have to find out what you’d do without me, ’cause then I’d be doing without you, too! 😦 πŸ˜€
re: second comment, I’m great, actually. I just don’t always like change. (I’ll bet you can relate.) But, wonderful opportunities are opening up, and as soon as I know for sure what they are, I’ll tell you! I appreciate your concern…you just take care of yourself right now, OK? πŸ™‚

Don’t be pessimistic, B0bby, sorry! πŸ˜• Firstly my metaphor doesn’t have to be your metaphor; and it’s only one little slice of life. Even though I was frustrated some of the time, and up to my ears in glue and nails and Velcro, I saw the humor in it, too. I’m sure decorating would be an entirely different experience for you! πŸ™‚

Hahaha, Joan. I’m laughing about your bathroom towel! Please laugh as hard as you like. I find my life pretty entertaining, but it’s gratifying that you enjoyed my little mishaps as well. I’d love to do what you did, because the mountains are so lovely out that window that I don’t need to cover them up…except for the very intense sun coming through. It would just cook me in the mornings, and then I wouldn’t be able to blog! πŸ˜‰

Oh, great BD, just snicker at my great misfortune!!! No, seriously, I wouldn’t have posted this if I didn’t think it was funny. I’m a little chagrined at my lack of valance construction ability, but I’m relieved to know I’m not the only one who gets into these situations. πŸ™‚ You made me laugh as well when you said you wouldn’t be your nosy self, ha ha, quite a disclaimer there! πŸ˜› Well, as I told kaylee, above, it’s all good, (ultimately)—what is that saying “When a door closes, a window opens”? Be patient, a leeeetle while, and I’ll tell you, honest. I’m gratified that you care enough to be nosy, thank you! (Of course, I knew you did.) {{{hugs}}}

πŸ™‚ Sorry! Was grinning all the way to the end of your post πŸ˜€ Those darn home improvement shows! I remember how I used to wonder how my home(?) would be if I took up one of those transformations :). All I did was get curtains up. That in itself was pretty dramatic change.
As you have said in a comment, your metaphor should not be mine….cos oh boy! don’t want to even go down that path πŸ˜€

It’s amazing how easy they make some of those things look on those shows. We’ve always avoided any problems with trying to make drapes or curtains match our house by having just blinds. Not quite as nice looking, but we have a couple of triangle shaped windows that are above those w/ blinds, so not really too much you can do for them, lol.

I hope you get your valance in balance!! πŸ™‚

Oh Muse! Thanks for giving me the belly laugh of the day! My links are up, come back.

Okay, I will wait. Impatiently…but sometimes that’s a good thing. It gives me something to wonder about!

Oh, the things that can go through my mind… πŸ™‚

It is amazing how sometimes we cannot meterialize what we visualize…You are more intellectual than manual, I guess.. but it does matter to me as long your writing is staying in balance…as always…

Apar: πŸ™‚ You are my idol! You got curtains up! I’m grinning at your grinning, and yes, who do those home improvement shows think we are? πŸ˜€

Thanks, Shane! Triangle windows, I don’t think I’ve seen those; they sound intriguing. I have one window in the front little room, that has a half-circle, or arch window topping a square one, and I have blinds there. It works out well, and anyway there is a large oleander right in front. Those shows do make it seem easy, and all done in a half-hour, too! Thank you for your valance wishes. I will have news soon… πŸ˜‰

You are more than welcome, yogini! One of my more spiritual posts, don’t ‘cha think? πŸ˜€ Oh boy! New links? I’m on my way!!!

Well, now I’m scared, BD. You have a very active imagination, and I don’t know what you’re thinking! πŸ™‚ I only hope I live up to it! πŸ˜€

CV !!! I’ve missed you so much!!! I’m glad to see you online again. We must catch up. Interesting thought about being more intellectual than manual. Both are valuable, but I can find help with the manual things if I need to. Thank you! I don’t know that my writing is always in balance, but it keeps me (relatively) balanced. You have a way of seeing into the heart of things, Merci.

lol! they were pre-made πŸ™‚ All I did was alter the height, put up the curtain rods and hang them. If I can become your idol for that!!!…. πŸ™‚

Despite the creative frustration you’ve suffered, you’ve obviously been able to enjoy the humor in this home improvement adventure. πŸ™‚ Isn’t it a blessing when we can sit down (fall down?) and laugh out loud at ourselves? As someone who has been similarly tantalized by home improvement shows and suffered through less than expected results I totally sympathize. I alternately love and hate HGTV. LOL! It does seem that many of us are suffering from “unbalanced valance” lately. I’m sure that balance, and new opportunities, will undoubtedly be achieved eventually. Thanks for sharing! πŸ™‚

LOL, Muse. Oh, I know whatever you end up doing will be worth the wait and it will be interesting to me. πŸ™‚

Take care, Muse

ALL you did, Apar? You did three things with them, I’m impressed. You rock!

I love that you both love and hate HGTV, Joyful! Ah yes, the unbalanced valance syndrome, the mood of our times. πŸ˜€ Yes, this whole thing has really cracked me up (eventually). πŸ˜‰ Thanks for coming by! I do pop in now and then to see you. πŸ™‚

Thanks, BD ! πŸ˜€

[…] posts I’ve made recently. My “Valance was out of Balance” as I reported in this post. I’d thought, as that adventure was winding down, that I’d obtain store-bought […]


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