Posted on October 21, 2009. Filed under: Culture, Health, Philosophy, Spirituality |

Disclosure:   1. The act or process of revealing or uncovering.  2. Something uncovered; a revelation.

I title this post somewhat ambiguously, as several events have transpired to inspire it. I’m acknowledging a couple of awards I received recently; the first from blog friend and spiritual theorist Julian, the UU Deist. He has bestowed upon me the following:

The Honest Scrap Award

The Honest Scrap Award

I am deserving of this, he says, because I …*don’t hold back much on what I think…and I make Julian want to scratch his brain!*… Wow! I *honestly* am honored. I feel a bit weird accepting the award because, there are many things about myself I have *not* disclosed…but Julian really gets that I do share my deepest truths, here. What I generally don’t talk about are surface superficialities, anyway.

So, thank you Julian—I think! Along with the award comes a task. I am charged with this:  “When you get the Honest Scrap award, you are meant to grace your readers with 10 honest things about yourself, and then pass on the award to other blog friends who write honestly and truly about themselves and events in their lives.”  I tend to see this as an instruction to confess ten secrets I had previously told to very few people, and not at all on my blog. This in turn makes me think the “things” are either very “bad” or embarrassing, or else I would have disclosed them already, right?

Not necessarily. If I have to pull out 10 things I don’t generally discuss from my strange and wonderful life, I would think most are of the “deep dark secret” kind, but I hope to sprinkle in a few goodies, too. So, here they are, in no particular order:

1. I think that one or more of my great uncles may have been a N a z i. The American immigrants from my father’s side of the family came from Germany during the years leading up to WWII. Of the nine siblings, two brothers stayed in Germany, two children had died, and the other five brothers and sisters settled in and around San Francisco. Two brothers served in the American Army, and their sisters did war work. None of my uncles and aunts would talk about the war, to their children or anyone else. I’ve concluded, from looking into it, that the brothers who stayed in Germany very likely were conscripted into the German Army. I don’t really want to pursue it much further than that because, although I was born well after the war, of course, I was sometimes called “The N a z i” by the mean kids at school, when they learned of my German heritage. I wonder why kids are like this? I’m glad I didn’t know I was possibly related to real N a z is then. The German brothers came for a visit to America after the war, but I never met them. My family has a picture of all the surviving brothers and sisters taken on that occasion; I think sometime in the 50s. It’s terribly emotionally evocative to look at. The German brothers look so much like their American brothers. I don’t know what their politics were, or what they may have felt forced to do, in order to protect themselves and their families. I may never know. *see note about The Shadow Effect, below.

2. Disclosure item #1 went on much longer than I thought it would. I have a deep fear that I ramble too much; that no one wants to read my long blog posts, even me; and that you all secretly don’t like me. There. I’ve said it.

3. I like to write late at night. I like to have a half-glass of red wine (whine?) while I write. This probably accounts for the strangeness of some of my posts.

4. When I was in Kindergarten (5 years old) I hated the kind of underwear my mother made me wear. It was heavy cotton sort of “transition-big-kid” underwear. I wanted something lighter like the real big kids wore. One day, during lunchtime, I went into the restroom and took off my underwear. I balled them up in my fist, and went to deposit them in the trash can outside, but I missed! Several kids saw my underpants land on the ground, and they teased me and poked me in the behind the rest of the day.

5. Which leads me to this: I used to sort of be a nudist! When I lived in Hawaii, it was so humid (and I’d usually gotten rained on sometime during the day) that when I got home, I immediately stripped off every last stitch, and spent the rest of the evening that way. If I was alone, I mean. Well, you know, most of the time. I did at least close the blinds before I put on the light so I would not torment enchant my neighbors!

6. When I was very young, I was taken to see the movie Mary Poppins by my babysitter. Although I’d already had a lot of social conditioning by age 6, the film presented things like being able to levitate, and to jump into a chalk sidewalk painting so matter-of-factly, that I accepted the reality of them. My babysitter did not tell me such things “weren’t really real” as my parents would have done, so for nearly a year after saw Mary Poppins do it, I practiced levitation in my room at night. I would focus on a corner of the room, and project my consciousness there. It felt to me as if I were flying, just as did Ed Wynn and the children in the movie. To this day, I don’t know if I “really” flew, or if I had an out-of-body experience, or if I flew in my imagination. All I know is that it was absolutely real. Honest.

7. Another issue *The Shadow Effect brought up for me: In my public life I am very neat, precise; perhaps even anal-retentive. At home I am, well, not as much. I am afraid you will think less of me when I tell you this. I will say that because of the contemplative week I’m having, I took a good look around, and put away all my clothes and things before I started writing this. Still need a system to deal with paperwork, though.

8. When I was four years old, I had learned a lot of German folks songs from my father. I spoke very good German then (hardly a word, now) 😦 I used to swing on my swingset and sing songs at the top of my lungs. The neighbors would come out on their porches to listen. I was completely unaffected; unashamed; unassuming. This was the start of my “stellar” music career, although I’ve never sung with such freedom and abandon since.

9. I am among people a lot. I facilitate and/or am a member of several groups, and although I work at home a great deal, I see many people in the groups where I also provide leadership. Still, I am often lonely. Individual friendships come harder to me. It’s one of the reasons I like blogging. I can say what I like here, at any time of the day or night.

10. Most important: When I am feeling lonely, or any of the other unwanted emotions I’ve expressed above, I do have techniques I can use to help me to become centered and balanced again. Yoga, Meditation, Emotional Freedom Techniques and my Journal all help me connect with the greater Truth of me. When I am there; all is well. And that is the truth.

I pass this prestigious honor on to:

The Oriel, because the truth of her soul shines through;

Joan Harvest, because she pulls no punches;

Apar, because she never denies who she is no matter what.

~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~

Remember I said early on that I had recently been the recipient of TWO awards? What a nice month this has been. This award was given me by the wonderful book blogger, nylusmilk, over at The Literary Pursuit. She believes that I write  “beautifully on subject matters that make you sit back and think for a bit.”  —Wow! I’m so pleased to be thought of this way; thank you nylusmilk. There are a lot of rules attached to this award:


  • Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
  • Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
  • Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.
  • Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we’ll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
  • Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

Bloggers are writers by definition, and my thought is that anyone who persists in writing for a fair amount of time must deserve a Superior Scribbler Award. Therefore, it is difficult to choose among the very fine blogs I read.

I will pass this on to several of those I consider “real” writers; and I’ll let you choose what I mean by that.

TheBeadDen – I am inspired by her passion.

cjwriter – He writes his truth beautifully, and with great craft.

DeirdraKiai – Social Issues; Intelligence; Wit…and Game Design! Need I say more?

ThePrincedom – A personal journey unfolding differently each day.

WillRhodes – Informed political opinion; not the other kind.

I would include ella, but she’s just moved, so I’ll let her unpack. Besides, she doesn’t much like memes!

Thank you for participating…or not, as you choose. I respect all choices.

* I saw this film over the weekend. There were segments on the children of N a z i s, and also on those who live differently behind closed doors. It’s a powerful and strange film…

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15 Responses to “Disclosures”

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Congrats on the awards, nice work!

first, congrats!

second, i like reading personal details about you. no matter how rambling they get. 😛 who knew you like being naked and might be a descendant of a nazi?? talk about scandalous!

third, i LOL at the superior scribbler award. didn’t realise how obnoxious the rules are. not my doing, of course!

My goodness, Muse! What a post! But then you never fail to amaze me. The underpants…hahaha. The nudity! ahahaha! But then, I found that didn’t come as a shock to me. Had I read this last year on your blog, I think I would have spilled my drink! You are such a wonder.

But that you secretly wonder that your posts are too long and people don’t like you? Not a chance. You are endearing. Enchanting, a thinker. What’s not to love? You do know how much I like reading your posts! I just couldn’t imagine the net without Muse. Perish the thought!

I could go on forever about your post. It so great to read all of it. Getting tidbits of your life. Sometimes I just want to say, spill dammit! Tell me more, tell me everything! I am so curious! But then that would take all these nice surprises you throw at us away. And I quite like reading posts like this mixed between the ones that make me ponder about life and the way I think about it.

I also want to thank you for the award and for saying such nice things about me and my other alias (The Oriel). I blush. I will try to get a post up soon. I’d really like to knock your socks off, but will keep it tame. Mainly because there isn’t much to knock your socks off about. 😉 Really, thanks, I am honored. Especially coming from you. Take care, thank you so much for sharing!

wow… that was… I mean… wow!
Thank you so much for playing along with this. I love your post. Wait… I mean, posts. I was taken aback to read #2.

I thought #1 was quite interesting. Your description of the picture is thought provoking to the point where it could be a launching point for NaNoWriMo. (hint, hint, hint) : )

And the disclosure of that you used to run around your house nehked (not naked… in Texas we say “nehked” 🙂 ) made me think that you are just as cool as I ever thought.

Have a good weekend Mused.
A big hug and kiss on the cheek to you
muah! (by the way that’s the cheek on your face) 😀

Thanks for the support, Tony. I do appreciate it!

Thank you sulz! And for thinking of me this way. 🙂 Yes, my scandalous past comes back to haunt me. 😳 And these are just some of the things I chose to share. 😉 I don’t run around nude all that much these days; it was a phase, you understand 😀 No worries about the rules; I kind of like that the original blogger is keeping a “linky list” of the participants. It ranges in the hundreds now! 😮

Hehe, I’m glad you didn’t spill anything, BD! At least not yet. 😉 You are kind to say that! Probably many of us have a few secret fears. I like that you’re curious! It helps me to keep going! I really enjoyed the opportunity to award you twice for two different blog identities (even if that’s cheating) because you express different facets of your amazing personality and interests in each. And I know there are even more facets you are sharing! Yay! 🙂

Oh, Julian! You were so unstintingly honest on yours, I felt I had a lot to live up to. 🙂 Hmmm, that’s a thought about NaNoWriMo. I’d thought of participating before, but, whew! a post every day? 😯 I’d forgotten it was coming up so soon again; thanks for the reminder and the link. Aww, I didn’t expect to be thought cool for nekkidity! 😎 I don’t run around nekkid as much as I used to; just at more, um, appropriate times, donchaknow. And thanks for clarifying to which cheek you referred! This is, after all, still a PG rated blog. I hope. 😀

Thanks for the award, Muse! I’m honoured that you think so much of my writing. I’ll post it in a couple of days… think I’ll need some time to work out who to pass it on to first! 😉

It’s incredible to think that over 1000 people have been listed with the award so far on that blog as well. Really shows how far these memes can reach, doesn’t it?

I loved reading your list and I was really moved by the story of your family. That’s what is so horrible and senseless about war, how it divides families… who knows what it must have been like for your great uncles? What they felt? History is so much more than words and statistics, it’s about individual stories and lives… I think we forget that sometimes.

And that’s interesting about Mary Poppins! I loved it as a child as well… so much so that our cat was named Poppins. I loved being drawn into that world; sounds like it was the same for you too. And who’s to say that you didn’t fly? If it was real to you, that’s what matters most. I’d like to think you did. 😉

Hope you’re having a great weekend. 🙂

Oh Mused, … I think you’re thinking of NaBloPoMo (Natl Blog Posting Month). No, NaNoWriMo is Natl NOVEL Writing Month. An entire novel (50,000 words) written in the 30 days of November. I’m on the fence about it. I did it last year but had quite a few really big things happen to me that forced me to bail out. I guess I’ve got a week to say yes or no.

oooh, maybe I have the opening lines:
Sat naked at the desk in the living room with a glass of wine that was nearly empty. It was much too late to be up posting to the blog but this was a comfortable time to be doing so. It always was.

Oooooh. How ’bout that for first lines. I was inspired by a Muse, ya know. :p

Hey, cj!!! I’ve valued your writing for a long time now, and you’re welcome. Yes, I hadn’t seen a meme-tracking method like this before. Sometimes I’d follow a few links back, but didn’t really know how many had participated. Thank you. I wish I had managed to get stories from my family before they departed for another reality. I knew them all when I was small, but they left one by one until only Tante Anna remained, who lived to be 104! I went to her 100th birthday party; the last time that the family was all together. 😐 Poppins is a lovely name for a cat! I think I knew that, but didn’t realize it was after Mary. I like to think I flew as well. I wonder, if we were able to get into the mindset or frame of reference we had as young children, if we’d be able to “believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast” as the Queen assured Alice—if you’ll forgive me for mixing in another story. 😀

Oh, I did get it mixed up with NaBloMo, julian. 😳 I somehow had it in my mind that the aspiring novelist was supposed to post their words or their wordcount, or something, each day. But, I imagine that would be rather intimidating. I’m not really a fiction writer, but you HAVE given me an idea for a project. 🙂 Oh, my; very atmospheric! Is it going to be a mystery, or…? Well, YOU could write that, julian, as it would be a novel for you, but rather autobiographical for me. 😉 But I want to make it clear that I do *not* blog in the nude! 😮 (Well, maybe if you’re a very special blog friend…) No, seriously, it was a phase, guys! 🙂

I thank you for that, Muse! And I mean that sincerely.

This juuuuuuuuust showed up on my feed, so sorry for being late to the party.

I fear that I cannot accept the award. Why? Because I don’t deserve it fully; my blog is underdeveloped and needs time to grow. I am humbled, sure, but I’m just being me – I don’t need awards to give what I say value. It is what it is. Not to mention the rules are absolutely ridiculous.

Muse, I’d redirect that Superior Scribbler award right back at you. You have a larger following than I.

You are sincerely welcome, Cynic!!! 😀

Sorry to disappoint you, leapsecond, but non-acceptance is a non-option. 😉 My opinion of your deservingness is the only one I recognize! Certainly you may participate or not as you choose, but having a following doesn’t really enter into it. I thought there were a lot of rules, too, but I think the tracking is interesting. I accept it back, and thank you! Fortunately, it’s already up on this post. Cheers!

I laugh with you on #2 and I adore you for #6! LOVE this post. 🙂

What delightful, interesting things you’ve revealed, and what thoughtful awards. You’re far better at this sort of thing than I, and thank you for thinking of me, but knowing that I am up to my ears and beyond with unpacking and all the organizing that goes along with it.

But since you brought up underwear… I’ll reveal this. When I lived in Manhattan, I wore panty hose to work every day, even when it was 95 degrees. One day,the forecast was for 100+ and since I walked to and from work, I decided to go bare legged. I wore a nice, somewhat flowy skirt so I wouldn’t feel like a hot sausage and almost changed my panties because they were kind of loose. But I was running late and didn’t.

On my way home, I felt them begin to slip. Block by block, they inched down my hips (no way I was going to yank them up on the street) until finally, two blocks from home, I could feel them seriously sliding. So I let them slide until, one block from home, they were down to my ankles. And without looking down or anywhere else and without missing a beat, I stepped out of them and kept walking.

A guy on the corner applauded.

IdeaJump Care! We haven’t touched base in a while. Thanks for appreciating my predicament in #2, and #6 was really real; it really was! 🙂

Of course I’m thinking of you, ella, and wishing I could help put things away. You remain one of my favorite writers, and your tale here illustrates why!
Certainly the phrase “LOL” is overused in the land of online, but I really did L right OL when I read your underwear story! 😀 Oh dear, the slipping elastic syndrome.
I do admire your fortitude and courage. And I’m glad I’m not the only one! hehehehe

[…] 5 by thebeadden I was so honored to be given this award by someone I respect and look up to:  MusEditions (click this link to get more information about this Award and to read the responses) You’ll […]

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